David Foster Wallace, you will be missed...

Recent advances in neurobiology have shown that we have mirror neurons that fire both when we perform an action and also when we see other's perform the same. Brain imaging has shown that these neurons fire when a person experiences empathy. How are brain's work is not to be thought of some brilliantly constructed tapestry but more of a ramshackle of connections that form in our early childhood. While our more primitive brain is decently functional at birth the parts that make us who we are and provide our consciousness (identity) are slowly connected as we go through our early childhood. We do not understand yet how mirror neurons are recruited and whether some might be able to have what might be considered an unbearable amount of empathy. We humans are decently able to write off half the evil and violence going on amongst us. We do not see our own misdeeds and hurtfulness as we engage in solipsistic behavior at the expense of those around us (of this I'm more than guilty). To truly see us as we truly are...that might be too much. What brings me to the previous is the suicide of David Foster Wallace last Friday night.

DFW was one of the foremost authors of our time. He wrote marvelous works of both fiction and nonfiction. His coverage of the McCain's Straight Talk Express Campaign in 2000 for Rolling Stone is one of the best pieces done on a candidate. It made you wonder about authenticity as a whole. And reminded us of the hurt that comes from politics. That the one candidate you trust often lets you down hurts personally. Thus it is much easier to be apathetic about politics whether than to bring the potential of hurt to one's self. His style was crazy with all of these footnotes which he called postcards. They would change the meaning of passages. I have yet to read much of his fiction but will for sure check out Oblivion by the end of the year. Anyways the guy was a great moral thinker in a time when it seems that we forfeit our humanity for the sake of advancement and social stature. DFW was a humanist to the nth degree.

Mr. Wallace brought up some brilliant ideas in his Kenyon commencement speech. Specifically he mentioned part of what matters is how we construct meaning from experience. He noted this in a story about a Christian and an atheist. The atheist recounted an event where he was caught in a blizzard and prayed to God that he would be delivered. The Christian said so you are a believer now. The atheist goes nope, some Inuits came a few minutes later. The Christian would see the Inuits as God's form of deliverance. The atheist, however, sees the Inuits as evidence of God's absence as all that is truly out there is humanity. We all view certain events differently depending upon our socialization, genetics, and identity. The problem as I see it is that we are so quick to say to others that the way we come to see things is the right way. As if we can get enough people together who think the same then we can have truth. But this is not the way things are. This is a simple rejection of the individual, and we all value the individual no matter what we may profess. It seems the thing that we hate in others and often tolerate within ourselves is blind certainty. So why do we accept it within ourselves? What's harder than choosing doubt? It is tough to live when things are uncertain. We spend most of our lives constructing some security blankets to protect ourselves from potential falls. We create some bubble where we are comfortable b/c then we can eliminate the doubt that hounds us. But our potential for higher living probably comes when we are capable of living in solid doubt. Then we care more about the humanity around us since nothing is certain. But it is hard to see our natural, basic self-centeredness as the socially repulsive thing that it is. We go on and on as the protagonist in our own world. This is wrong headedness. There are no protagonists in this world. What we must do is eliminate the need within us to cast ourselves as heroes and work to exercise control over how and what we think. We must bring out internal monologue under control so that we can better function and understand our common man. Now I'm not saying that the key is to consider everyone better than yourself. This is not a competition. And no good comes from the constant demeaning of self. We must just simply count ourselves as equals all playing on the same stacked field. We must arise to help each other and at times forget our own advancement. The key is to recognize each moment and to live within this context. Our strivings and reachings not only doom ourself but in time may doom our society.

A Vague Dream

I had one of those return dream scenarios the other night. I'm not sure if everyone has those. I wish I knew more about how we collectively dream. Anyways I returned to a setting I know I've dreamed about before. Some nondescript location marked only by highways and buildings. The location not being key only that it was familiar. And it was kind of like a mirror dream. A vision of perhaps a path not taken. Kind of a dream of what it would be like if I was a normal gent in this region. You know that middle of the road existence that most people choose. A path where we trade potential for the satisfactory. Anyways I was at one of those moderate to large churches doing the whole young singles thing. Which might I note in real life most of these kind of suck. I mean the whole point of most of these is to meet a potential spouse. But if you do start dating someone then you become ostracized from the group. Group dynamics can be the best and worst of things. Well it seemed that I was a bit more lucky in my dream than in real life when it comes to the romance department. There was a young woman who I think was from my past and shall remain nameless in this blog. Anyways we just went back to her apartment after church and chilled the Sunday afternoon away. And in some ways this was blissful. I think it's not that I most long for sex...which I've never had...I think that I just long for companionship of a like minded soul. And that was really the extent of the dream...

Speaking of dreams... My conscious dream is that we as a country will come together and address the fact that Middle Class Americans are becoming an endangered species. This country has been founded on the hard work of the middle class. But the previous generation has gotten greedy. And by living towards excess others in this country have been screwed. And these people have much less opportunity in a land where their should be an equity of opportunity. And those who have should not be competing with their neighbors and looking to move up zip codes but instead should love their neighbors. I mean the one of the ten commandments that Jesus points out is to love your neighbor. And we in America are quick to point to certain issues but have lost this vital premise. The best ways that we can help Americans is to improve education standards in low income areas and to provide medical insurance for all of our citizens. Only one candidate is addressing this issue, Obama. Here's the thing...Education and Healthcare should be moral issues. Poverty is a moral issue. Why can't we as Americans see this and actually do something about it, even if it does affect us financially? We don't need half the shit we got. And Christian nation my ass... Real Christians would make the impoverished a primary objective. But instead the poor are forgotten as the rich get richer. This is an injustice we can actually do something about. First let's elect the only decent candidate (OBAMA). Next lets get out and start loving people.

I Palindrome I

Sometimes it all comes back around, y'know. There are rules people will tell you. Rules that should govern your behaviour and choices. And if you don't play by said rules then you are discounted and written off by others. Once people play that card it is easy to reverse the roles. Now you look for reasons to dismiss others at the slightest infringement of your personal taste. Now you shouldn't get me wrong, I'm not about to start playing by some preset, hegemonic rules. I'm me as Weezy would say (I wonder if all those Phelps fans love rap as much as he?). I am not all about being successful. I kind of don't want tons of success and perhaps want some pain and aches. This is crazy thinking, I know, but it's the God's honest truth. I have a Messiah's complex at times. It's like just let me be the vessel of destruction... I can handle it. It's not necessary for all this suffering here on Earth. I mean why was I born to some decent middle class folks with an independent streak instead of born with AIDS in Ghana? Or why was I born in the Bible Belt South instead of the Islamic Middle East? These questions of course go nowhere. They are just fodder for the mind. I sometimes wonder about how other people think. My mind is always going...there's something more to be grasped...some lingering, unsolved issue. But then you talk to others, and their concerns veer more towards some past shared recollection of pop culture. I think it is just easier to dwell on such things. They are so innocuous and decently pleasant unless of course you disagree on the value of said shared experience. But we often are longing for some kind of connection with others. Rather than talking and voicing significant issues with people you only decently know, it is by far easier to just let things float. Inject some humor that you ripped off from some funny show. Comment on some happening going on in your general environment. There's no reason to be real with other people, then you might be rejected or disliked. And this goes against the rules...

It comes as no surprise that I am one that fears rejection, but at the same time I still put myself out there in public. I think it's our contradictions that make us most interesting. Thank goodness we are not God's automatons. We are free to think, feel, and love. Yet we are by our very nature reserved beings. We all experience the collective feeling of loneliness from time to time, but we oft do little to discuss such profound emotion with others. Perhaps it's just that we as a society are not good at expressing our emotion verbally. I know I would receive a failing grade...

It does not come easily to learn that another individual does not like you. Most of the time we relegate those we categorize as haters to a broad distinction we note as the crowd. Then we do not have to view them as individuals. It is much easier to deal with things in the abstract. But when some person reminds you of this personal distaste that a person has for you it can take a toll. And you wonder what representation of your self that the specific person cannot stand. Often times that one initial moment of disinterest is enough to carry a lifetime of contempt. Maybe it is a matter of what groups the person prefers. We often forget that it is impossible for others to know our internal selves. What people know are your actions, words, and general representation of self. And some people are going to be at odds with this. All it takes is a few awkward moments (I still don't know why we refuse to embrace the awkward. The awkward as absurd should in itself be humorous. But instead we take such moments as slights.) and a person is no longer cool with you. Anyways, what would be best is to talk over any possible misunderstandings. Or to introduce a person to the new you several years down the line. I am not a fan of the idea of a static self. We are all constantly changing. We are not the same person several years down the road. All judgments must be thrown out with time. Why are we so long in forgiving? No hard feelings, I hope...

Ladies and Gentlemen...I'm Back

I left the blogosphere to concentrate on my studies... But I find that I once again want a confessional that can be stumbled upon. So i'm back, hopefully. I'll try to keep things shorter on here, so that it's easier to read as I've been indicted in the past for long posts.

Things I think about often:

1. How identity is constructed and the social pressures that influence such.

2. The fact that I'm a 28 year old virgin...oh the stigma.

3. The tumultuous nature of my Christian beliefs...

4. My concerns with the fact that I'm not good at meeting people...

5. Whether or not I'll evs find someone worth marrying?

6. Is over-examination of our nature and self healthy?

7. The damage that the commodification of all does to the psyche of those living with little.

8. The fact that I often don't care enough.

9. What to do with my life if the preparation of my last few years fails me?

10. Does it even matter to become an enlightened person if it only alienates you from society and leads to you living on some island of the mind?

Less sports, philosophical whimsy, and neo-marxism

I apologize if the blog seems a bit of a downer. These just are not the bright times so promised. You know those times that everyone says are coming eventually where you realize that HS and college kind of sucked. Some may indicate it's my own chosen arrested development that is hindering me. There is some truth to that sentiment as I have placed myself in such circumstances that have led to the gloom that shrouds the day. Maybe I'm particularly upset because my drive to work and progress has been stifled by my frequent wants for something more. I might be depressed that I missed two bands (Sunset Rubdown and Bishop Allen) I wanted to see over the last two weeks simply because I live in a crappy town and have impending tests. It might be that I've chosen some lofty aims and goal for my life that I may never be able to accomplish. Perhaps I'm already worried about life accomplishments early in my life. It is the tendency of those that expect great things from themselves to live somewhat unhappily. Maybe it's just lack of sleep. I seem to average 5 hours and until last night hadn't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. I wonder what Freud would say about my unhappiness? He'd probably say something about the pathology of my sublimation in my thusfar aesthetic life. That and maybe my subconscious self is telling me that I need to do more. As the great T.S. Eliot said "In my beginning is my end." Were born into certain circumstances and that determines so much whether its running from who we were or embracing our roots a bit too much.

So on to this broken system we call America. Can we seriously reform the electoral college? There's no real reason for it, and it kills the possibilities of third party success. Then there are issues of all states not being equally represented at national conferences due to the way they are decided (not by population). Then again can we do something about this worthless representative democracy. Oh wait we can't. The founders of this country never wanted a true representative democracy. They developed a system that benefits the rich and the "well-bred." Unfortunately our broken systems do have control over our lives. The sure bureaucratic nature of our society being foremost. And our largely apathetic populace I think really embrace the whole Hobbesian ethic that we need to cede our freedoms to an authoritarian government that can protect us. This country is not going to change anytime soon. Part of it is the stark disinterest for change or revolution in the people today. We are far too perplexed by the lives of the successful or what we can acquire next. Then there's probably the ultimate kickers. Our hedonistic pleasures such as sports. Yes, the hypocrite says it. If we men in particular were as passionate about bettering ourselves and our society as we were about sports how much better this world might be. You might remember that the Romans used "sports" to placate the people withing their empire. What's different today? Sports are still the ultimate distraction that may keep us from living lives of meaning. I'm not going to advocate their entire dismissal. We should probably just be a bit more judicious in the time we spend keeping up with them. Perhaps just know enough to be conversant with the fellow person.

I find it interesting that early Christianity attracted many women due to its ability to grant a ceratin freedom from the patriarchy. This being that they could use God as a replacement for a husband, as husbands tended to be abusive and demanding. And then what happens Christian orthodoxy comes to further limit the roles of women suppressing all of the good will.

If you haven't watched HBO's The Wire then you've really missed out on probably the most significant series of our time. It deals with the inner workings of Baltimore from the ghettos and drug traded to the politics that frame the city to the bureaucracy that mars almost any attempt to try to do something good. One of the things the creator, David Simon a former beat reporter for the city's newspaper, said the show was about is the way capitalism creates a Worth-Less society. And you can't help but to agree. When it's all about the money and the bottom line what is a person really worth? If something doesn't better you or your loved one's predicaments then how good can it be? This world is fucked in its current state. And we are all complicit. It is typical of people today to just run away from difficult sitations. Just look at the urban environments of the officially unhealthy American city. Things started getting rough and those with the means ran away. They didn't stand up and dedicate their selves or their time to reform. And people wonder why the world seems to be going down hill...what the fuck are they doing to fix it. Working for the good of your family isn't a good thing, it's an expected thing. Just living up to expectations isn't enough. What we should do was best put into words in this month's Atlantic Monthly: "...[we are at our] best when we honestly and compassionately confront the devilish realities we would like to ignore or deny." If we are going to be "good" people we must continuously search for who we are and work to reach our lofty goals as our acts define ourselves to outside eyes. Simply put, we must act to truly believe in any alternative. We must find who we are and embrace that for the benefit of the many. It is our responsibility.

Sometimes it concerns me that it is the contingencies of others that allow us to exist. We are defined by how others interpret us. This is quite true in that no one person can truly know another and eventually upon death all that is remembered is from secondary sources. We are only as good as we do and communicate.

Camus indicates in the Myth of Sisyphus that perhaps the best thing we can do is to find some labot that we can throw ourselves into. That happiness truly comes form performance. This might release us from the uncontrollable contingencies of others. Performance cannot be taken away from us. It is an accomplishment in itself. And Camus indicates that this is best without reflection which poisons experience. This is what is hard for me. I am always a bit too self aware (concerned). It's like those moments at concerts where we wish we could let go and let the music take us somewhere, but instead we think about the music being played and remember something and thus become lost in our own mind. Our contemplation often interferes with experiencing life. Only as so far as we are fully engaged in our lives that our lives make sense. And sometimes we just aren't engaged in doing.

A recent conversation with my roommate Nathan brought up an interesting question. What shapes us more, our ideals or our inhibitions? Nathan argued that his inhibitions have led to many of his more serious life decisions. And if you think about it, it is not our ideals that our more cultivated but our inhibitions. Think about how we create our morality. It is all about what we shouldn't do and the consequences of acting to the contrary. And people wonder why so many people don't live up to some collective morality? Maybe if ideal were more effectively communicated then this world would be a bit better. But maybe ideals don't work because we are selfish. And society has invented these early taught inhibitions that become self-perpetuated so as to sublimate basic human impulses. Man, and people thought Freud was a hack...when he was just more of a philosopher. But maybe if we stepped back and stopped posturing for a moment (this goes double for me) and just were honest about things with people. Unfortunately, I find people don't want to hear too much truth, but would prefer friends that would talk about nothing. No faults exposed only the meaningless affirming of the other's ambitions or hopes. Until this society learns that to get along we need air out our problems and respectfully listent to others concerns, we are going to grow increasingly unhappy and isolated. As Justice Breyer said, "[we] need public discourse, participation, flexibility, and compromise." So take the time to throw yourself into something and figure yourself out. Then go out and do something great.

I think I'm going to become somekind of Marxist. But not one of those full-scale ones that wants a bloody revolution and overthrow of the entire government. Just one in the more Christian tone. We need to just make our revolution grass roots. Reform is only as good as it can be properly administered. There is no better was to do this than where we live. If we can better the environment in which we live, and work to bring people together in community there, then that's the way to truly change our society. Forget electing caring representatives, their hands are tied and only as effective as it helps maintain their lives and terms. Nope just make the place better where you are simply by you being there and doing good. If enough of us do that then how great could our lives be...

Days of Yore Anew

I finally had an opp to catch up with an old friend last night. That doesn't happen often as I've previously indicated. Anyways, Clancy and i caught up with each other's lives for the first time in years. It's nice to talk to someone that is in a similar place in their life socially. Plus it's quality to be able to carry on a good conversation with a friend that i've known for so long. All in all nice to talk to some one form the olden days that seem so distant and long ago.

I had an awful week of anxiety and stress last week, and I'm still recovering. I wish I could take a break and remember that I enjoy living...but progression... I feel abit adrift and worried about another year of being arrested in some purgatory while I pursue my choice in careers. I'm not giving up and for that I may have to stay in some faded silhouette of a reality. If nothing else, I'm changing my location next year. There's nothing for me in this suburb of nothing. If not for school I would hate my existence here.

Clancy asked me where I see myself in ten years (as he will be in Peru as part of a mission team, the only single member, giving him more opportunity to be with the locals, no kids). This allowed me to go off on my rural v. urban self. I love the bustle and activity of the city. It seems to be some constancy of events that begs to be tapped into. But the rural life is all of that quality, old-fashioned hard work that seems so fulfilling. I would love to have a ranch someday...and I would love to live in the middle of the city with the life and arts that I so adore. My trips seem to be between the two. This whole duality of self is tough to figure out. Only in life and experience will my eventual reality be expunged.

There are things that I want to do in the next couple of weeks while I have time...must accomplish things and find time for some fun...happiness is fleeting but still a worthy experience to pursue. And I'm in the need for some happiness.

Abyssal Oblivion Diving

This is the D-double dash...c'mon back to you after a week of nervous anxiety and exaspiration. I spent the week waiting in some sick anticipation for my MCAT scores. It's so difficult to not know about your future. I would want to check my score and then not at the same time. I don't think I could have taken another effin' 28. So I would wait until I built up some resistance to my fear and then checked. All week I was thwarted...30 days my ass. Amongst other things I had a presentation today in my Differentiation and Development course. The presentation went well enough...I made my points and mistakes, but tis most in life. It's kind of tought to present a paper to professors who are experts in the field. Eh, my MCAT came back and it's higher and my writing score was significantly high. I credit to my genius idea to compare and contrast Edison versus Heisenberg. Edison was a hack, don't get me started on one of America's biggest chumps. My nerves have lifted a bit, but now my procrastination has put me in a bind. This comes from my paralytic writing skills. I'm a man that needs inspiration, or else I'll spew some disingenous mess. Thus I waited for my results...which may have killed a bit of my in-state choices. I contacted some former profs in hopes of some decent reccomendation letters. I hate doing this. It's like I'm asking them to inconvenience themselves for me, a guy who did well in one of their classes one semester. I whipped up a brief vitae, just in case. I like to cover my bases. Hopefully they are cool and will float some letter to the med schools next week. Eh, maybe I should view this as a chance to reconnect with old profs. They all seemed genuinely concerned and decent in those classes. I just don't want to be rejected...I can't handle that right now. I've been messed up lately. I'm not attending church at all (can't remember the last time I went for the whole service). God and I don't talk like we used to, or how I believed I talked to him, but am now not so sure. I fear we want to be able to directly talk to an intervening God, because that would be utterly convenient to such powerless beings. But I kind of know God's not the intervening type. I'm not saying to not pray. Compassion is the greatest of things. And if your prayers are of that essence then by all means. But God intervening in your life...don't bet on it. We are on a course of events set in place. No theodicy could justify an intervening God. And I'm not willing to dispense with God. I believe to some extent still. I wonder at times if my life would be more stable if I had opted for the normalcy of many of my former peers instead of battering my hopes and dreams again and again with grim, viscious reality. But I want this. If nothing the suffering through this year should be worth it. My friends are few in this town... And I miss those who were close who are either not so close or too far away to see on a regular basis. I hate not having the time to spend with people whose friendships I care about. October will be better...most tests done, a bit of freedom. I just stared at some girl's breasts. Who knows why? I'm a guy, so maybe that's it. I mean there was really no reason for it at all. I feel awful...some of the people around these days were freshman when I taught high school. Must make it through... The Wire is an astonishingly great show. Bureaucracy sucks but runs everything in a Democracy. I'm about to finish Season 1...and this scene haunts me. D'Angelo screams at Stringer John: "Where the fuck is Wallace." He knew Stringer had his friend with a heart killed. Kind of tears you up. I'm like threshed grain. Always with the books to be and not. Must finish...where...will...I...be? Who will be left after all is over? Will I ever know who I truly am or is all of this some charade of self acting against self?

The Lone Misanthrope...

I assume that I'm the last of the Jefferson Mastodon Society to care enough to post. I've decided to take this over as primary blog now, a kind of recclaimation of what was my own ambitious, failed project. I'm deciding to take a decidedly more cynical view on the whole reason for the naming of the group. Jefferson was a fool to believe mastodons still existed in 1803. The hope is gone and all that is left is absurd existence. I fear that hope is a plague that binds humanity into lesser being. Hope changes nothing it just breeds a lesser self. Fuck hope! Camus was right to try and live a life without it. Christ doesn't necessarily speak of the hope as of actions of preparing oneself for the coming kingdom...which a couple thousand plus years later still has arrived. It's not about hope, it's about being in and of the moment. And I know I'm going to screw this all up, but maybe that is the truest of existences.

I once quit blogging because I grew tired of everyone interfering with my interpretations of reality. I think we twist reality in our minds to benefit those we care about so that when someone comments on some poor behaviour the response is to defend the friend over understanding the circumstance and reality of the event. The point being that I let all this effect me in my last blog. When I quit that blog I was frustrated with the failure of a close friendship who was my roommate of all things. You would think it would have been a rejuvenation of both are spirits. Instead it seemed we drifted further apart over the past year. Our opposed ideologies instead of boosting our friendship as it did in the past became little divisions and conversation enders. I am increasingly aware of the loss of many of my decent friendships over the years. I am in little to no contact with any of my former roommies from my undergrad days. Half my old friends or so are married and thus it seems we find ourselves with less and less to talk about when we randomly encounter. There just seems little reason to have contact with the people whom used to play a large role in my life. I don't want you to think this is some kind of pitiful representation of myself meant to evoke some form of sympathy for my character. The true issue at hand is that I have changed by leap and bounds as I have openned my mind and beliefs. My friends despite much growth seem to have held on to their same basic ideoligies of youth as far as I can ascertain from preliminary conversations. Their growth comes in their marriages which give them some kind of identity and definitely privilege them in a basic social context, specifically within the church where many are actively involved. But I shouldn't get going too much on religion, don't really want to post all night. Let's just suffice to say that I don't make it to sermons too often these days. I kind of feel that preachers/pastors are often openly dishonest with their congregants. The more you learn about the origins of the NT the more you doubt the truth of their contents...something that usually cannot be discussed within a church. This seems to be some violation of the legitimacy of such an institution, but I guess private organizations can do what they will. Maybe they believe that the world doesn't need a people with this lingering doubt in their mind. Perhaps we function better with these ideas of purpose. We may need to believe in things in order to be able to favorably co-exist with others in society. But if we are truly concerned with truth how can we go on when others go on believing in all of these absolutes. We are ruined as youth! We take on social traits and beliefs that are in league with those around us with no idea that it is happening until years later. We then look back and are astonished at how we were socialized and how that has fucked up the person who we are today. Maybe the key is to ditch all the hyper-awareness and live whatever life unfolds before you. The hyper-awareness may just be a type of paralysis that leads to nothing of value. Was Socrates wrong? Is the life unexamined truly the favorable life? It seems when we break things down in our mind to note our motives and subsequent actions that we often are appalled with the truth of ourselves. Self-repulsion may not be the best way to live. But i can't disregard Socrates so easily. If we want our minds to evolve then we have to examine how our life is unfolding. We must fight back against a suppressing society that favors the rich from birth. The call has to be made that just because one lifestyle is dominant it is not the only way to live. Eh, enough of this...i'll comeback to some of these issues when the focus is there.

I'm struggling right now to understand whether romantic love truly exists. There's been too much turmoil centered around this issue in the live of those closest to me lately. Now chemically there's reactions of euphoria in the brain caused by our infatuations, but even these change over time. Eventually we may in long term relationships just be inventing our "love" for the other person. We develop these shared identities that add further to who we are. But as we know from neurochemistry that when our brain re-interprets our memories that the original thoughts are recreated. Thus our memories become shrouded with subjectivity. And perhaps theres some truth to shared interests and identity that will carry you through some lifetime relationship, but I haven't witnessed that lately. First my brother had his marriage ended on the worst of terms...while he was in Iraq. I can't comprehend how it is to be in a marriage that ends over the phone while you are in another country fighting a pointless war. Especially when your wife leaves you for some guy you know. It was such a bitch-ass move to make (no misogyny intended). My brother had to spend his entire two week leave dealing with the legal issues of ending his marriage. Let's just say those weren't a great couple of weeks. Then a friend's fiancee calls off his engagement a couple of months prior to marriage, basically so she could get involved with a married guy who's getting a divorce. This monogamy thing seems to be an aberration from the world I'm coming to understand. We should probably just be greatful to have any amount of time spent with a person whom we feel understands us regardless of how it ends. Maybe these encounters are the default. As humans we desire simply to have these interactions until it gets harder. All the faults become known and then wear on us. Maybe the falsehood is inventing ways to cover all of thus up. Self-delusion may be a worse state of being. When people fall apart maybe that's for the best. The problem is the complication of children. If you are going to go through the resposibility of having a child then their is a commitment forged. A kind of unwritten understood rule that you should work things out for the sake of the child. Now the studies of note show that the male becomes disinterested as the intense bond is formed between the female and child which shifts the identity of who the people are. Things are no longer about each other but about another third party. Jealousy ensues as ridiculous as it sounds. But we cannot necessarily control all of it. Unfortunately it seems Freud is right in that there are internal processes within us influencing our actions that we are genuinely unaware of until we can remove ourselves from the context in some future place and realize what drove us to act. Anyways i'm feeling free enough to just float to whatever situation occurs. Then hopefully i'll be truthful to the point of confronting all the issues as they happen. Open communication may be the only hope for anyone. If you want to save or change things you gotta say what you feel not what you ought to say...Shakespeare was a prophet! I guess this is enough for now. Further elaboration may come later, but this is quite adequate for an initial.