I Palindrome I
Sometimes it all comes back around, y'know. There are rules people will tell you. Rules that should govern your behaviour and choices. And if you don't play by said rules then you are discounted and written off by others. Once people play that card it is easy to reverse the roles. Now you look for reasons to dismiss others at the slightest infringement of your personal taste. Now you shouldn't get me wrong, I'm not about to start playing by some preset, hegemonic rules. I'm me as Weezy would say (I wonder if all those Phelps fans love rap as much as he?). I am not all about being successful. I kind of don't want tons of success and perhaps want some pain and aches. This is crazy thinking, I know, but it's the God's honest truth. I have a Messiah's complex at times. It's like just let me be the vessel of destruction... I can handle it. It's not necessary for all this suffering here on Earth. I mean why was I born to some decent middle class folks with an independent streak instead of born with AIDS in Ghana? Or why was I born in the Bible Belt South instead of the Islamic Middle East? These questions of course go nowhere. They are just fodder for the mind. I sometimes wonder about how other people think. My mind is always going...there's something more to be grasped...some lingering, unsolved issue. But then you talk to others, and their concerns veer more towards some past shared recollection of pop culture. I think it is just easier to dwell on such things. They are so innocuous and decently pleasant unless of course you disagree on the value of said shared experience. But we often are longing for some kind of connection with others. Rather than talking and voicing significant issues with people you only decently know, it is by far easier to just let things float. Inject some humor that you ripped off from some funny show. Comment on some happening going on in your general environment. There's no reason to be real with other people, then you might be rejected or disliked. And this goes against the rules...
It comes as no surprise that I am one that fears rejection, but at the same time I still put myself out there in public. I think it's our contradictions that make us most interesting. Thank goodness we are not God's automatons. We are free to think, feel, and love. Yet we are by our very nature reserved beings. We all experience the collective feeling of loneliness from time to time, but we oft do little to discuss such profound emotion with others. Perhaps it's just that we as a society are not good at expressing our emotion verbally. I know I would receive a failing grade...
It does not come easily to learn that another individual does not like you. Most of the time we relegate those we categorize as haters to a broad distinction we note as the crowd. Then we do not have to view them as individuals. It is much easier to deal with things in the abstract. But when some person reminds you of this personal distaste that a person has for you it can take a toll. And you wonder what representation of your self that the specific person cannot stand. Often times that one initial moment of disinterest is enough to carry a lifetime of contempt. Maybe it is a matter of what groups the person prefers. We often forget that it is impossible for others to know our internal selves. What people know are your actions, words, and general representation of self. And some people are going to be at odds with this. All it takes is a few awkward moments (I still don't know why we refuse to embrace the awkward. The awkward as absurd should in itself be humorous. But instead we take such moments as slights.) and a person is no longer cool with you. Anyways, what would be best is to talk over any possible misunderstandings. Or to introduce a person to the new you several years down the line. I am not a fan of the idea of a static self. We are all constantly changing. We are not the same person several years down the road. All judgments must be thrown out with time. Why are we so long in forgiving? No hard feelings, I hope...
It comes as no surprise that I am one that fears rejection, but at the same time I still put myself out there in public. I think it's our contradictions that make us most interesting. Thank goodness we are not God's automatons. We are free to think, feel, and love. Yet we are by our very nature reserved beings. We all experience the collective feeling of loneliness from time to time, but we oft do little to discuss such profound emotion with others. Perhaps it's just that we as a society are not good at expressing our emotion verbally. I know I would receive a failing grade...
It does not come easily to learn that another individual does not like you. Most of the time we relegate those we categorize as haters to a broad distinction we note as the crowd. Then we do not have to view them as individuals. It is much easier to deal with things in the abstract. But when some person reminds you of this personal distaste that a person has for you it can take a toll. And you wonder what representation of your self that the specific person cannot stand. Often times that one initial moment of disinterest is enough to carry a lifetime of contempt. Maybe it is a matter of what groups the person prefers. We often forget that it is impossible for others to know our internal selves. What people know are your actions, words, and general representation of self. And some people are going to be at odds with this. All it takes is a few awkward moments (I still don't know why we refuse to embrace the awkward. The awkward as absurd should in itself be humorous. But instead we take such moments as slights.) and a person is no longer cool with you. Anyways, what would be best is to talk over any possible misunderstandings. Or to introduce a person to the new you several years down the line. I am not a fan of the idea of a static self. We are all constantly changing. We are not the same person several years down the road. All judgments must be thrown out with time. Why are we so long in forgiving? No hard feelings, I hope...
posted by Dav at 11:38 PM
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