Abyssal Oblivion Diving

This is the D-double dash...c'mon back to you after a week of nervous anxiety and exaspiration. I spent the week waiting in some sick anticipation for my MCAT scores. It's so difficult to not know about your future. I would want to check my score and then not at the same time. I don't think I could have taken another effin' 28. So I would wait until I built up some resistance to my fear and then checked. All week I was thwarted...30 days my ass. Amongst other things I had a presentation today in my Differentiation and Development course. The presentation went well enough...I made my points and mistakes, but tis most in life. It's kind of tought to present a paper to professors who are experts in the field. Eh, my MCAT came back and it's higher and my writing score was significantly high. I credit to my genius idea to compare and contrast Edison versus Heisenberg. Edison was a hack, don't get me started on one of America's biggest chumps. My nerves have lifted a bit, but now my procrastination has put me in a bind. This comes from my paralytic writing skills. I'm a man that needs inspiration, or else I'll spew some disingenous mess. Thus I waited for my results...which may have killed a bit of my in-state choices. I contacted some former profs in hopes of some decent reccomendation letters. I hate doing this. It's like I'm asking them to inconvenience themselves for me, a guy who did well in one of their classes one semester. I whipped up a brief vitae, just in case. I like to cover my bases. Hopefully they are cool and will float some letter to the med schools next week. Eh, maybe I should view this as a chance to reconnect with old profs. They all seemed genuinely concerned and decent in those classes. I just don't want to be rejected...I can't handle that right now. I've been messed up lately. I'm not attending church at all (can't remember the last time I went for the whole service). God and I don't talk like we used to, or how I believed I talked to him, but am now not so sure. I fear we want to be able to directly talk to an intervening God, because that would be utterly convenient to such powerless beings. But I kind of know God's not the intervening type. I'm not saying to not pray. Compassion is the greatest of things. And if your prayers are of that essence then by all means. But God intervening in your life...don't bet on it. We are on a course of events set in place. No theodicy could justify an intervening God. And I'm not willing to dispense with God. I believe to some extent still. I wonder at times if my life would be more stable if I had opted for the normalcy of many of my former peers instead of battering my hopes and dreams again and again with grim, viscious reality. But I want this. If nothing the suffering through this year should be worth it. My friends are few in this town... And I miss those who were close who are either not so close or too far away to see on a regular basis. I hate not having the time to spend with people whose friendships I care about. October will be better...most tests done, a bit of freedom. I just stared at some girl's breasts. Who knows why? I'm a guy, so maybe that's it. I mean there was really no reason for it at all. I feel awful...some of the people around these days were freshman when I taught high school. Must make it through... The Wire is an astonishingly great show. Bureaucracy sucks but runs everything in a Democracy. I'm about to finish Season 1...and this scene haunts me. D'Angelo screams at Stringer John: "Where the fuck is Wallace." He knew Stringer had his friend with a heart killed. Kind of tears you up. I'm like threshed grain. Always with the books to be and not. Must finish...where...will...I...be? Who will be left after all is over? Will I ever know who I truly am or is all of this some charade of self acting against self?

The Lone Misanthrope...

I assume that I'm the last of the Jefferson Mastodon Society to care enough to post. I've decided to take this over as primary blog now, a kind of recclaimation of what was my own ambitious, failed project. I'm deciding to take a decidedly more cynical view on the whole reason for the naming of the group. Jefferson was a fool to believe mastodons still existed in 1803. The hope is gone and all that is left is absurd existence. I fear that hope is a plague that binds humanity into lesser being. Hope changes nothing it just breeds a lesser self. Fuck hope! Camus was right to try and live a life without it. Christ doesn't necessarily speak of the hope as of actions of preparing oneself for the coming kingdom...which a couple thousand plus years later still has arrived. It's not about hope, it's about being in and of the moment. And I know I'm going to screw this all up, but maybe that is the truest of existences.

I once quit blogging because I grew tired of everyone interfering with my interpretations of reality. I think we twist reality in our minds to benefit those we care about so that when someone comments on some poor behaviour the response is to defend the friend over understanding the circumstance and reality of the event. The point being that I let all this effect me in my last blog. When I quit that blog I was frustrated with the failure of a close friendship who was my roommate of all things. You would think it would have been a rejuvenation of both are spirits. Instead it seemed we drifted further apart over the past year. Our opposed ideologies instead of boosting our friendship as it did in the past became little divisions and conversation enders. I am increasingly aware of the loss of many of my decent friendships over the years. I am in little to no contact with any of my former roommies from my undergrad days. Half my old friends or so are married and thus it seems we find ourselves with less and less to talk about when we randomly encounter. There just seems little reason to have contact with the people whom used to play a large role in my life. I don't want you to think this is some kind of pitiful representation of myself meant to evoke some form of sympathy for my character. The true issue at hand is that I have changed by leap and bounds as I have openned my mind and beliefs. My friends despite much growth seem to have held on to their same basic ideoligies of youth as far as I can ascertain from preliminary conversations. Their growth comes in their marriages which give them some kind of identity and definitely privilege them in a basic social context, specifically within the church where many are actively involved. But I shouldn't get going too much on religion, don't really want to post all night. Let's just suffice to say that I don't make it to sermons too often these days. I kind of feel that preachers/pastors are often openly dishonest with their congregants. The more you learn about the origins of the NT the more you doubt the truth of their contents...something that usually cannot be discussed within a church. This seems to be some violation of the legitimacy of such an institution, but I guess private organizations can do what they will. Maybe they believe that the world doesn't need a people with this lingering doubt in their mind. Perhaps we function better with these ideas of purpose. We may need to believe in things in order to be able to favorably co-exist with others in society. But if we are truly concerned with truth how can we go on when others go on believing in all of these absolutes. We are ruined as youth! We take on social traits and beliefs that are in league with those around us with no idea that it is happening until years later. We then look back and are astonished at how we were socialized and how that has fucked up the person who we are today. Maybe the key is to ditch all the hyper-awareness and live whatever life unfolds before you. The hyper-awareness may just be a type of paralysis that leads to nothing of value. Was Socrates wrong? Is the life unexamined truly the favorable life? It seems when we break things down in our mind to note our motives and subsequent actions that we often are appalled with the truth of ourselves. Self-repulsion may not be the best way to live. But i can't disregard Socrates so easily. If we want our minds to evolve then we have to examine how our life is unfolding. We must fight back against a suppressing society that favors the rich from birth. The call has to be made that just because one lifestyle is dominant it is not the only way to live. Eh, enough of this...i'll comeback to some of these issues when the focus is there.

I'm struggling right now to understand whether romantic love truly exists. There's been too much turmoil centered around this issue in the live of those closest to me lately. Now chemically there's reactions of euphoria in the brain caused by our infatuations, but even these change over time. Eventually we may in long term relationships just be inventing our "love" for the other person. We develop these shared identities that add further to who we are. But as we know from neurochemistry that when our brain re-interprets our memories that the original thoughts are recreated. Thus our memories become shrouded with subjectivity. And perhaps theres some truth to shared interests and identity that will carry you through some lifetime relationship, but I haven't witnessed that lately. First my brother had his marriage ended on the worst of terms...while he was in Iraq. I can't comprehend how it is to be in a marriage that ends over the phone while you are in another country fighting a pointless war. Especially when your wife leaves you for some guy you know. It was such a bitch-ass move to make (no misogyny intended). My brother had to spend his entire two week leave dealing with the legal issues of ending his marriage. Let's just say those weren't a great couple of weeks. Then a friend's fiancee calls off his engagement a couple of months prior to marriage, basically so she could get involved with a married guy who's getting a divorce. This monogamy thing seems to be an aberration from the world I'm coming to understand. We should probably just be greatful to have any amount of time spent with a person whom we feel understands us regardless of how it ends. Maybe these encounters are the default. As humans we desire simply to have these interactions until it gets harder. All the faults become known and then wear on us. Maybe the falsehood is inventing ways to cover all of thus up. Self-delusion may be a worse state of being. When people fall apart maybe that's for the best. The problem is the complication of children. If you are going to go through the resposibility of having a child then their is a commitment forged. A kind of unwritten understood rule that you should work things out for the sake of the child. Now the studies of note show that the male becomes disinterested as the intense bond is formed between the female and child which shifts the identity of who the people are. Things are no longer about each other but about another third party. Jealousy ensues as ridiculous as it sounds. But we cannot necessarily control all of it. Unfortunately it seems Freud is right in that there are internal processes within us influencing our actions that we are genuinely unaware of until we can remove ourselves from the context in some future place and realize what drove us to act. Anyways i'm feeling free enough to just float to whatever situation occurs. Then hopefully i'll be truthful to the point of confronting all the issues as they happen. Open communication may be the only hope for anyone. If you want to save or change things you gotta say what you feel not what you ought to say...Shakespeare was a prophet! I guess this is enough for now. Further elaboration may come later, but this is quite adequate for an initial.